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Pontifications on Poison

Being some ramblings on events associated with poisonous plants.

Wednesday 17th August 2011

I have become increasingly exasperated at the way the ‘ricin bomb plot’ continues to roll around the Internet. I’m quite new to Twitter so I don’t know whether replying to a tweet makes it available to more than the original tweeter and I don’t think I can be bothered replying individually to everyone who is spreading this nonsense.

I am leaving comments on online articles and blogs if they look as though they are active but I thought that, here, I’d have a go at using humour to counter it. It is for you to judge my success or otherwise.

USA Faces New Terror Threat from Diprotium Monoxide

President Barack Obama has been warned of a new potential terror threat from Al Qaeda operatives in Yemen, according to sources not at all close to the White House. Security specialists are believed to have got wind of the possible plot from reading Islamist websites and monitoring social networking activity of known Bin Laden sympathisers.

“The first clue came when we detected the word hyperhydration being regularly used” said a member of the security services whom we cannot name (because he doesn’t exist). Hyperhydration is a condition when excessive drinking of water upsets the body’s natural chemical balance. In extreme cases it can result in death.

A leading professor of Arabic, however, says that this is a wrong translation and that the word being translated as ‘hyperhydration’ should actually be given as ‘pissing it down’ and the discussions are about the wet summer weather in the UK and much of Europe.

Nonetheless, it is believed that Al Qaeda operatives are trying to collect a large enough supply of water to cause hyperhydration in thousands of American citizens. “These guys are located in a remote desert region so, thankfully, they seem to be having trouble getting enough water together” said a source. Asked to comment, Tod Mechanic, who once read an article about unrest in the Middle East, said “It’s lucky they haven’t had any success, yet, or literally nobody might have been harmed”.

There are those who warn that it is unnecessary to over-react at this time. “Our assessment is that they are still wrestling with developing a delivery system to get the water from the Yemen to the USA and maintain a low enough temperature for American tastes.”

The piece of the jigsaw that is still missing is how Al Qaeda would manage to get thousands of Americans to drink gallons of water in a short space of time. It is thought that the terrorists have been recruiting non-Arab Americans and encouraging them to buy drinks for strangers so that they can learn what it takes to get Americans to drink large quantities.

Summing up the situation a senior official said “We know that they don’t have the water available to them, they don’t have a delivery system and we doubt if people would be so silly as to accept the offer of gallons of water from a stranger but even so, we suggest everyone should panic about this until we can invent another scenario”.

This latest shock revelation comes just days after the New York Times reported that the same Al Qaeda operatives were planning to make bombs surrounded by ricin though the piece did say the threat wasn’t imminent leaving plenty of time for people to buy the reporters’ new book.

It is believed that the terrorists may now abandoned the ‘ricin plot’. One student of their activities says this is because there never was such a plot but another well-placed informant says the highest level of command in the organisation has concluded that there is far more chance of getting Americans to voluntarily drink huge amounts of water than to use ricin as a murder weapon.